Thursday, May 10, 2007
my tribute.. to the superwoman in my life.
I always feel this way whenever I see my mum feeling so tired from doing nothing much and her pained expression due to her persistent shoulder-aches and headaches, and the worst part is, nothing seems to alleviate her pain and discomfort. And I, I just look upon her resting in bed, wishing I could go over to give her a back-pound or just a simple hug to comfort and ease some of the pain but all i manage is, " ma, are you alright?" A certain emptiness and loneliness overwhelmes me. I can't imagine what it will be like when one day, my mother leaves behind all her worries and pain for a better place- Heaven, while I struggle admist my tears and loneliness to find comfort in the fact that she's at a far better place where she'd be able to rest painlessly for eternity without a shread of worry nor fear about the future. Somehow, whenever I see her so helpless and succumbing to this thing called ageing, I can't help but feel that she is slowly fading away, simply counting to the days when God will call her home. I get very scared and paranoid whenever I hear her saying things like ,"maybe my yin-mai is diminishing', and "maybe God will take me home soon". Although these things were said in a moment of jest, I can't help but feel that she really did meant what she said.For the past decade, my new-year greeting has always been the same, that she'd be as fit as a horse, and age gracefully. Even my prayers for her, my dad are that God will bless them with good health, and that He'd keep them by my side for as long as His will allows their time on earth. But I understand that we, as sinners, do not have the right to demand from God. And I do admit that I still have not come to a point in my spiritual walk when God is at the centre of my life; indeed, my mum is the most important person in my life, and has always been these past 21 years of my life. I have sometimes wondered if God will take away this most important person in my life to teach me to love Him more, and to learn to treasure and love those around me more as well. But then again, I never was the sort of person to show my emotions and affections openly, not even to my own family. As i get older, I begin to physically distance myself away from my family. I can't remember when was it that i stopped walking beside her, holding her arm while talking about anything from tv drama to something in the newspaper while roaming around Orchard. These days, I walk behind her so that I don't get irritated whenever she cuts my path or when she walks too slowly for my own pace. Rarely do I give her a hug, or even say a heartfelt thank-you for the things that she's been silently doing all these years, without a single complain, without a single compliment, without a simple word of appreciation from me. I am ashamed of myself that I have grown so cold, so unaffectionate, and slow to display my true emotions to the people that matter most to me such that I appear to be unfriendly, bordering on arrogant and even aloof at times. I am ashamed that I can get angry at my mum over a trivial matter from time to time, and wilfully starve myself, while she has graciously forgiven me countless times over even though I never said 'Sorry'. I regret the times when I could have showered her with more love, care and concern during her troubled times, but instead, I was too self-absorbed in my own silly issues and exams to notice that she wasn't feeling too well herself.
It is difficult to change overnight into someone who loves openly, speaks her mind and her feelings without hesitation for fear of embarrassment, and shows her love and concern not only through mere written words alone, but through actions that speak far louder than anything. I am not putting all the blame on my culture and my upbringing. I guess I belong to an ordinary Singapore-chinese family, where speech and words do not matter as much, but it is the thought and the sincerity behind the actions, although mostly left unspoken and unknown to me, that matters the most, and ultimately, everything that my parents do is entirely in my best interest. It had taken me decades of arguing, getting angry at, and ignoring my mum and dad to realise this simple fact, and I wished that I had realised and cherished this fact earlier.
This is my tribute to my mother, the superwoman in my life. Thank you for being my teacher, my companion, my listener and advisor, my doctor, my nurse, my chef, my driver, and my caretaker for the past 21 years of my life.
I love you, mummy, very very much, and as always, my prayer for you is God will continue to watch over you, and bless you with good health, even as you age gracefully, doing the things that you enjoy most.
sarah at 1:06 am